profiling

I found this note in the freezer at work today.

note

I like the “Walk away now” part quite a bit, and I like how the use of words like special treat and ticked and butt tells me that this person has a young child at home.

But I’m also a little concerned. I fart a lot by nature; it’s just the Way of the Bo. I can’t do anything about it. And so yeah, sometimes I fart in my office, after lunch in particular. I can’t smell it,(1) so at worst it’s just a bit of noise. Sometimes I worry that someone will walk in like right after I’ve set a particularly nauseating bit of gas free, but if anyone’s ever smelled anything they’ve never let on.

Now though, I’m concerned I might be profiled. Just because I fart doesn’t mean I ate this person’s ice cream.(2) It can’t help that I was born more flatulent than the average person, so it’s not right to accuse me of something just because I sometimes let loose in the office. I could try to hold it in – I hear that’s possible – but every time I’ve ever tried I end up just farting later, louder, and smellier.(3)

So my choices are grim: fart freely and risk it, or hold them in and risk losing friends. Life can be such a bitch sometimes.


  1. If you’re new here, I’m anosmic, meaning I was born without a sense of smell. If you’re not new here, thanks for hanging in there despite all the footnotes.
  2. Which, for the record, I haven’t. You don’t end up my size by considering sugar-free ice cream a viable food.
  3. As judged by the reactions of those within the blast radius.
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