1. After being abducted by aliens, I’ve given birth to some horrifying alien/human hybrid and subsequently had my memories of it replaced with memories of trips to Disney World.(1)
2. Chasing kittens around the apartment to keep them off of counters, tv stands, and shelves has essentially functioned as exercise.
3. Chocolate has been found to burn calories when you eat it.
4. I have suddenly developed the power to wish things into reality.(2)
5. I am, in fact, a zombie and I’ve only been eating diet brains, no-sugar brains, brains lite, and/or tofu brains.3
6. My local grocery store has recently been rearranged. Perhaps I’ve eaten less because I don’t want to bother with finding the food I want in the store.
7. Playing banjo burns untold amounts of calories.(4)
8. I poop too much.
9. As I sleep at night, Ashley carves away super-thin slices of my skin, planning to have loads of DNA around so she can clone me in accordance with my final wish to stay alive in clone form until lightsabers are actually real.(5)
10. When my doctor showed me irrefutable evidence that I’ve been eating an average of 4,000+ calories per day for years, and that if I didn’t cut that shit out I’d hit 400 pounds within a decade, it sank in like a future heart attack.(6)
- Probably missed the chance to tell you not to click on that link if you want to sleep tonight.
- Does Donald Trump still exist? If so, this one’s not true.
- If I am a zombie, please cut my head off. I won’t hold it against you. Remember, I’m not really even me anymore.
- And so then all those Appalachian old-timers drank all that moonshine just to stay solid.
- And my super-secret final-final wish: a clone of myself in Darth Vader’s get-up. I mean, wow.
- Seriously. Four thousand calories. Just put the fork down and walk away Bo.