obnoxiously overweight

My doctor is pretty awesome. He talks fast, he means what he says, and he doesn’t shy away from big words.(1) He’s also something of a tech-head like myself and doesn’t hesitate to suggest certain apps or gadgets to help attain specific goals.

After we talked about fibromyalgia, I asked, “So, is there any advice you can give me about losing some weight?”

I had no idea what I was getting into. He opened his computer and downloaded a spreadsheet from Google Drive. This spreadsheet was of his own making, and essentially functioned like any of the weight-loss apps out there.(2) But he’d included all kind of metrics and goals that those apps don’t. He also set out realistic goals, like getting down to my ideal weight in something like a decade rather than a year. In our NOW NOW NOW culture, that seems crazy. But the point is that losing weight over a longer term is always better than gaining weight over that same term.

And, as he so beautifully and mathematically pointed out, if I keep doing what I’m doing, that’s all that’s going to happen.

The truth is that I am obnoxiously overweight. I use the word obnoxious because being fat causes me many different kinds of problems, from self-esteem issues(3) to how well I sleep. It gets in my way.(4) And I don’t like it.

What he showed me on his impressive spreadsheet made more sense than anything I’ve seen. And of course I walked out of there all geared up and ready to lose weight in the long term.

But then someone had these bad boys delivered to work, still warm:


Yes gaining weight is annoying. But hey, there are cookies!

  1. In fact, I suspect he secretly loves it when I have appointments and saves up using words like ectomorph and proprioception just for those occasions.
  2. He is reportedly working on one based on how his spreadsheet functions.
  3. Yes, guys do have weight-related self-esteem issues. Or then this is another way in which I barely qualify as a man.
  4. I am the friggin’ Dolly Parton of man-boobs.

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