controlling the pet population


  • A pregnant cat can have as many as nine kittens.
  • But six is enough to drive you totally bats.
  • Though yes they will be adorable.
  • For a while.
  • Periods of adorableness get farther apart as they get bigger.
  • And at about nine months they’re basically furry teenagers.
  • With raging hormones.
  • I really should have listened to Bob Barker.
  • And everyone else w/r/t spaying and neutering.
  • Though spaying and neutering is not cheap.
  • Especially times six.
  • And you’re trying to pay for a wedding.
  • But so if you don’t get it done, you’re essentially living with six horny teenagers.
  • And it turns out that cats will have sex with their siblings.
  • At that point they no longer look at each other as friends to play with.
  • They look at each other as warm bodies to hump.
  • And cats can also have a little bit of Mississippi leg-hound in ’em.
  • Which I know because I woke up to one of the boys biting my wrist while humping my forearm.
  • (1)
  • Cats will also have sex with their parents.
  • So from what I can tell, cats have more or less no rules when it comes to sex.
  • Even though with everything else they’re basically like Sheldon and his Roommate Agreement.
  • Though of course they don’t show you the agreement.
  • Which is precisely why cats are so diabolical.
  • Trying to keep three boys from humping the three girls is impossible.
  • Or at least a round-the-clock job.
  • With pretty much no up-side.
  • Though they are still adorable when they sleep on my lap.
  • But yeah. There needs to be fewer cats in possession of sex organs in this house.
  • No matter what the cost.
  • Also: I’m an idiot for not coming to this like six months ago.
  • But in my defense, no one had humped my arm yet.
  • (2)

  1. Which, tragically, is neither the most embarrassing nor the most humiliating sexual experience I’ve ever had.
  2. No one feline this is. A drunk girl one time humped my arm as I played my guitar outside the bar. It wasn’t a hot as you’d think it would be.

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