superlatives

Here are what ruled and what sucked hardcore about our extended visit to Walt Disney World.

The Best Thing Overall

That it was our honeymoon, and that I am married to the most beautiful person I have ever known. And that she is seriously awesome w/r/t navigating Disney World and its environs.

The Worst Thing Overall

Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party. Just don’t even bother if you want to believe that most parents are generally pleasant people. Or that strollers are not tactical weapons.

Favorite Ride

Each time we’ve gone to Disney World there’s been a ride that has particularly taken my fancy. This trip, it was Expedition Everest. I can’t say why for certain, but it was really working for me.

Least Favorite Ride

Maelstrom, in the Norway Pavilion. I hadn’t previously ridden this water-ride because it had like an hour wait every time we went by it. But this time we got on without a wait at all. And I’m glad. Because if I’d have waited an hour for that particular brand of lameness, I’d’ve had to disrupt international relations.

Best Attraction

My favorite attraction is still the Festival of the Lion King at Animal Kingdom. It’s awesome and it has one of most beautiful moments I’ve ever seen staged.

Worst Attraction

The Halloween version of Wishes, the nightly fireworks show at Magic Kingdom. Aside from the whole how-am-I-supposed-to-know-it’s-any-different thing, because of crowd I couldn’t hear the music or dialog over the speakers and so had no idea what was going on.

Best New Thing

There’s an elaborate card/interactive game called Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom. Every day we used our park tickets to get five cards each. There are cleverly hidden portals – digital screens – throughout Magic Kingdom that you use to beat bad guys. The cards act as spells. Each card casts its own spell, and you can combine cards for more powerful spells. How it works is really rather amazing, as is that it works consistently well.

Worst New Thing

The Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom game. While I was quite amazed with how it worked, I was equally amazed at how numbingly boring the game itself is. The plot of the game is painfully contrived and the gameplay moves about as quickly as a tired turtle walking through molasses. I was bored with it within the second round. However, my lovely bride grew quite enamored obsessed with it, especially with collecting all the cards. Which let’s not even talk about the amount of time she spent getting and trading cards and just say that the new biography of David Foster Wallace is pretty good.

The Coolest Thing

Staying at Hollywood Studios until it closes when you’re with Ashley means that you’ll be riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror as many times as possible within the last hour or two. This is especially fun because late at night the Cast Members really start to have fun with their roles and up the creepy factor. They also begin to recognize us as we go through again and again and start to have fun with us. This time, we found a group of similarly minded fun-seekers. The five of us stayed until closing riding Tower of Terror over and over and over.

The Lamest Thing

People with strollers. I get that strollers are easily the most convenient way to haul your brat(s) around Disney World. But people just toss everything in there: drinks, bottles, snacks, food, diaper bags,(1) garbage bags,(2) Disney bags,(3) dolls, teddy bears, Mickeys, and sometimes even kids. And that’s not a big deal mostly, but when an entire line of people have to wait for someone to collapse the stroller before we can all board the bus, those lagniappe items just slow a process that should have been done a while ago anyway. And if one person parked a stroller somewhere, within like ten minutes there’d be a dozen or more strollers parked in rough lines all around it, with concordant gear of course.

The Grossest Thing

We were waiting for the bus. A bus for another resort arrived and the girl leaped out from the rear doors with a hand covering her month and the puffed-cheek, squishy-eyed face the lets you know there be vomit behind that hand. She didn’t quite make it off the bus in time. Nor did she make it to the trashbin in time. So she had vomit all over her shirt and her dress. She heaved a few times, came up for air, heaved a few times more.(4) Came for air again, heaved again. When she next came up for air, she seemed mostly over it. Assessing herself quickly, she spied the vomit on her dress and stuck her head back into the trashbin. Then – and here’s where it gets gross – she stood upright, took a deep breath, and ran her vomit-covered hand through her hair. Her hair was about the only part of her that wasn’t covered! She found a pile of napkins somehow and cleaned herself up as best she could…except for her hair. Then she, her boyfriend, and her mom, proceeded into Downtown Disney as though the evening were really quite pleasant.


  1. Understandable.
  2. Understandable, but still. Ew.
  3. Really? You have all that crap and you bought more?
  4. Her boyfriend wrestled with himself over wanting to be helpful v. wanting not to be anywhere near her.
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