First I need you to understand a few things about last night, viz,
- I fell asleep later than I normally do;
- I didn’t sleep very comfortably; because
- Ashley wasn’t home.
Secondly, I need you to understand the first few parts of my morning routine, viz,
- My alarm goes off;
- I turn it off;
- I sit up in bed;
- I pet any readily available cat or kitten;
- I get out of bed;
- I pet any and all cats/kittens that approach me;
- I go into the bathroom;
- And I do my business.
That’s my standard routine. I deviated from it this morning by only one factor: since Ashley wasn’t home I didn’t close the bathroom door whilst performing my morning necessary. This would turn out to be a crucial tactical error. And yes, when you’re alone in a house with ten cats, some errors are most certainly tactical in nature.
So I’m sitting there doing my thing on the toilet. As you can tell from the first list, I’m tired and groggy. As you can infer from the second list, I’ve been awake for less than three minutes. It important to me that you understand this. We’ll get to why in just a bit.
So I’m sitting there doing my thing on the toilet and in walks Switters.
Switters meows a lot for what are indiscernible reasons to us humans. But I kinda talk to him when he does this even though we could be plotting my own demise for all I know. He also likes to smell things a lot because, well, he’s a cat. So it didn’t strike me as terribly odd that he was meowing while sniffing at the bathmat.
Until he sat down and lifted his little tail.
I lept off the commode hoping to grab him before he started peeing. Also hoping I stopped peeing. As I held him in the air I did a quick visual inspection of the bathmat. There was a dark spot about the size of a quarter and I didn’t figure…
Now see my assumption had been that if some giant hand came out of nowhere and picked me up as I was micturating, I would stop. I might soil my trousers, sure, but the urinary stream would stop. And while I steadfastly maintain that this is what I would do, it is not what Switters did.
The two lists I started this post with? This is when I really need you to understand them. Because only then do I have a chance at explaining why it took me like three seconds to figure out that the kitten was peeing all over my hand. All over the bathroom walls and bathroom floor. Like a little fountain his thin stream arced into the air, landing pretty much everywhere as I freaked out and did the first thing that came to mind.
This is also where I need you to understand those lists. Otherwise my next move just seems silly. Because what do you do when you need to clean up liquid/stop a streaming kitten? You grab a towel. Exactly! So it’s a good thing I was in the bathroom, right?
I grabbed the first towel I saw and wrapped it around Switters and his tiny, trouble-making pee-pee until I felt the stream stop. And it was only then, only at that moment, that I realized I’d grabbed my towel. You know, the one I’d normally be using in about twenty minutes to dry off.
And I thought: well that was stupid. And then I realized that there was cat pee all over my hand. So I grabbed the towel I always use to dry my hands! Because I guess it was too early in the morning to learn from my mistakes.
After my shower, I used Ashley’s towel to dry off and successfully managed not to take my anger out on any domesticated quadrupeds as I got myself around. But when I get home from work this evening, instead of ordering a pizza and sitting down with a book, I have bathmats to wash. And towels. And at least half a bathroom to clean. Well and since I have no sense of smell, I guess I should go ahead and clean the whole thing. Yay.