the day after Facebook

Last night I deactivated my Facebook account.

I have many reasons, but they essentially boil down to this one thing: We live in the Information Age, but information isn’t the highest commodity. No, today’s most valuable commodity is the control of information. Since Facebook no longer lets me control the information that comes my way, I made up my mind that it is no longer of significant value to me.

Here are a few things I’ll bet I missed, here on my first day post-Facebook.(1)

The cryptic status

You’ve posted something in a public forum meant for one person and one person only. You’ve used a megaphone to say something you should have whispered. Brilliant strategy. I’m sure the CIA will shortly be emailing you an application, since you so obviously know how to pass information effectively and to precisely the right person.

The passive-aggressive comment

Someone you barely like just posted something. Now’s the chance you’ve been dreaming about…literally. Just last night you dreamt of perfect smack-down comments and awoke in a cold sweat of anticipation. And here it is. You could let it go…but no. You’ll just tone it down a notch. That way no one will know what a douche you are.

Where my friends ate lunch…which was where they ate lunch yesterday

Seriously? I eat at a table in my department at work and experience more prandial variety than you. And I work at a friggin library.

Knowing which words my friends played in Words with Friends

Because I care. Yep. I really, really care to know the moves my friends are making in games I’m not playing. It’s like televising a game of Monopoly, and every damn bit as exciting.

Nerd humor

I really honestly can go a day without a Dr. Who joke. I only ever watched one episode and thought it was stupid.(2) And I only watched it so I could get the jokes my friends expected me to get in the first place. So here’s a big secret of nerdom: like learning a foreign language, once the time has passed to acquire one particular aspect, it’s gone. And getting involved just to get a few stupid memes isn’t the proper motivation anyway.


I didn’t have to read anything in Ryan Gosling’s voice today. I didn’t see Chandler Bing dancing on something stupid. No one shared a picture I’ve seen a bazillion times anyway. I didn’t have to cry as I thought about the humongous amount of human evolution, knowledge and hard work that went into inventing the internet just so we could laugh at cats with poor grammar.

And, finally, Facebook itself

If I never see that particular shade of blue again, I’ll be okay.

This isn’t the first time I’ve left Facebook. But, lately, when I scrolled back through my timeline and saw the complete lack of anything from about Nov. ’08 through about April ’09, I felt proud that I quit it for so long. I’m betting I can do better.

  1. Well, I wouldn’t say I missed them, Bob.
  2. I apologize to everyone who has even been British.

2 comments on “the day after Facebook

  1. I was wondering why it told me you and I weren’t friends anymore. I use Facebook as a tool, for marketing my site, for marketing my comedy, for testing out material, but I can see your points. I also use a browser extension called Social Fixer that let me filter out all of the apps, which helps with the annoying aspects of it.

  2. Don’t worry, I think Dr Who is stupid too. And so does Vicky. Will miss you on Facebook. Your leaving moves me one step closer to leaving myself…

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