Ashley has a conference to attend tomorrow and to prevent having to wake up at 4AM for the drive she and some of her classmates will head down there tonight and stay in a hotel room. While this does lead me to imagine various lesbian-porn scenarios, it also brings into sharp focus that in the last 834 days we have spent exactly one night apart.
That’s just slightly more than 0.1%.
I’d like to tell you that I’m going to do all sorts of awesome things while I have the night to myself. I’d like to say that I plan on downing every millilitre of alcohol in the house while watching football on three different TVs.(1) I’d like to tell you I plan on watching every version of The Thing that has graced American cinema screens in the last 60 years. I’d like to tell you I plan on eating nothing but potato chips while playing survival-horror video games stark naked, that I’ll plug my guitar in and turn it up to 11 and jam along with the stereo at eye- and ear-popping volumes, that when she comes home tomorrow there will mysterious pieces of clothing strewn throughout the house and even the cats will be hungover.
I’d like to tell you I’m going to man-it-up so hardcore that Chuck Norris himself would nod to me…from the other side of the street.
But the truth is I’m going to miss her terribly. And I probably won’t sleep all that well.
It’s a good thing I turned in my Man Card years ago.(2) I’d be forced to surrender it tonight as I cry myself to sleep.
- My brother really does this on Saturdays during college football season.
- Traded it for season tickets to the opera and three boxes of Tic-Tacs. Wasn’t using it much anyway.