no thanks. i’m really good at super-sizing myself.

There’s a TEDx conference here on campus in a few weeks that I think will be pretty cool. Here’s some info from the website:

TED is a nonprofit organization devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading. Started as a four-day conference in California 25 years ago, TED has grown to support those world-changing ideas with multiple initiatives. The annual TED Conference invites the world’s leading thinkers and doers to speak for 18 minutes.

Sounds awesome, right? A conference devoted to creative thinking? Can I get a ‘hell yeah?!’ I jumped at the chance to be a part of this.(1)

Except:

From the offer I was just given, these purportedly creative thinkers somehow believe that everyone in the world can fit into either a small, medium, or large t-shirt. It’s like they’ve never gone to Walmart. Or a food-court. Or outside.

America is a country obsessively devoted to the pursuit of happiness, so much so that we fail to know what to do when we’ve attained happiness. As in like we’ve had a pleasant meal and our stomachs are full. We’re satiated, yet we actively continue to pursue happiness and order dessert.(2) So there are a lot of incredibly overweight people around here.

Including yours truly, of course. Which I had to openly admit to in responding to the email inquiring as to which too-small t-shirt I might like to have free of charge:

If they make them in 3- or 4X, I’ll take one. If not, don’t worry about it. I’ve spent my entire life avoiding at all cost special consideration from others simply because I can’t seem to put the fork down.

It’s bad enough that I pretty much never take my shirt off in public(3) and am even incredibly self-conscious about it in private.(4) That I’m forced to cop to my own corpulence at work is a low point amongst low-points. That I’m offered the choice of a) taking a t-shirt too small for me to wear or b) making someone go out of their way to get the fat man something he can use is just embarrassing.

I’m going to have to gorge myself tonight in order to cope with the stress these creative thinkers have caused me. So thanks, TEDx. The next ten pounds are on you, damn you.


  1. Even though it does technically qualify as professional development, something I try to avoid with the same determination as I might avoid a leper peddling leggings covered with smallpox.
  2. I know this from pure experience, my friends.
  3. I’m certain the real reason they made everyone get out of the water at Disney’s Blizzard Beach when we were there was just in the hope that I would put my shirt back on and/or leave.
  4. I avoid mirrors like old movie-vampires.
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