The three meanest and most awesome things I’ve ever heard someone day about another person, in chronological order


“She looks like she was hit in the face with a bag of hot nickels.”

This one’s particularly good at describing that sort of face that’s really tough to describe. It’s the inclusion of the word hot that does it for me. It brings it home in a way that its absence would miss. Plus I think using nickels is somehow funnier than quarters, probably since quarters would be the obvious choice what with the size and rigid edge.


“Who lit the fuse on her tampon?”

Because the distaff portion of my readership may not find this as humorous as I do, I’ll add that this was said by a woman. About her sister if I recall correctly. Part of why I find it funny is that I’ve always sort-of thought of the string on a tampon as a kind of fuse anyway since back when I first saw one.


“Does your asshole have a license to shit?”

Someone said this to someone on Facebook today and while it sounds like maybe a somewhat rote comeback to inane or purposefully mean statements, I’d never heard it before and I LOL’d IRL. I don’t really employ the previous two expressions in daily life(1) but I can see me getting a lot of mileage out of this last one.

  1. The first one is simply a bit too mean for me. My personal version of cruelty tends not towards commentary regarding physical appearances. I reserve my best wit in the fight against stupidity, which these days is a Sisyphian battle. The second one is simply just not an intelligent thing to say directly to someone if one is male and has even the remotest sense of self-preservation.

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