I can’t think of any other way to say it but with the cliché: I feel like a failure.
Yes, there are mitigating circumstances. And yes, of late there are two facts weighing heavily on my mind that enhance this personal sensation of failure. But the essential failure is mine.
The two facts:
1. A guy I went to college with – he’s probably about 10 years younger than I – will shortly have a collection of short stories published.(1) For a while I was insanely jealous of him, but happily the jealousy has dissipated and I can focus on being truly happy for him. He’s a great writer, a fact that was obvious from the very first story of his I ever read. He deserves to be published. But still, I wish I had something soon to be published.
2. An ex-girlfriend, being peevish in a blog post retaliating against me regarding something that didn’t happen,(2) pointed out that of the two of us she’s the only one who’s a published author. As far as I know she’s published one poem in one journal,(3) but it counts. The fact that she was saying this to be purposefully hurtful doesn’t negate the essential truth of the fact.
I haven’t even finished anything I’ve begun writing in at least two years. Reasons abound, I suppose, but the essence of it is really that I continue to choose not to write. The real failure here isn’t that I’m not a successful writer. It isn’t even that I don’t write.
The barebones failure is simply that I don’t even give myself the chance to succeed.
Is there a victory in this failure?
I know that I feel like complete and utter shit about this, which makes me realize that if I keep doing the same thing(4) I will never see different results. Meaning that should I continue doing what I’m doing, I will feel like complete shit about my life. No matter what else I may accomplish, this essential failure will always have me feeling terrible about myself.
And I’m really fucking tired of feeling like shit about myself.
I’ve promised a bazillion times to change this, to just get up and write. I’m not going to promise it again because I can’t stand to break it yet again. This isn’t that kind of post.
This is a post merely relating that I feel like a failure.
- The Great Frustration
- Or at least didn’t happen the way she’d thought it happened.
- I have ceased any and all communication with her, including stopping by her blog occasionally.
- i.e. – not-writing.