five theories as to why i get a headache every single monday

The anti-relaxation theory

Put simply, I do as little as possible over the weekend that requires a) standing and b) pants. So the idea is that I spend a couple of days all recumbent and pantless and then Monday comes along with its verticality and pants-required and it’s just a shock to the old system, manifested by a headache.

The air-quality theory

I’ve never done a sample, but I’m positing that library-air is composed thusly:

  • 10% actual air, made of standard air-type elements;
  • 25% mold;(1)
  • 30% iron oxide – rust – from inside the forty-plus-year-old ventilation ducts;
  • 32% dust;
  • 3% reside-of-Nicolas-Sparks-books

After two days of breathing relatively clean apartment-air, this mix proves toxic until I’m exposed to it enough to rebuild my tolerance. This explains why I have a headache on Monday and not Tuesday.

The people-quality theory

I tend to spend my weekend with people I like. I tend to spend my week with people I don’t like. Perhaps the pain of Monday is the pain of dealing with a sudden increase in banality.

The it’s-just-effing-Monday theory

Fairly self explanatory.

The best thing about Monday is this Google-image-search result

The pants theory revisited

Maybe some lesser theories make more sense(2) but I keep going back to the pants-thing. Jeans are just dastardly. They seem so cozy but as I sit here all I can focus on is variously lower-body places and extremities that feel as though they’re not getting quite as much blood as they might need. The stress involved in this would obviously raise my blood pressure which in turn would lead to a headache. Shoes could also be guilty of same. And let’s not leave out belts. But mostly I think it’s pants.

Possible options:

  • Wear slacks, which seem dressy and whatnot, but I’m told that a lot of the nicer slacks today feel very comfortable.
  • Khakis. Again, I hear these are much more comfortable than jeans.
  • Pantless Mondays. Like casual Friday, but with more sexual harassment charges.(3) Let’s just make pants optional on Mondays, to ease the transition. Would require talking the powers-the-be into adopting a library- if not university-wide policy. Seems like a lot of work.
  • Stretch pants. The advantage with this one is that I don’t have to talk the powers-that-be into it. There’s a woman here – a professor, no less – who literally wears them every single day. I’m not a professor, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for them to say I can’t wear stretch-pants just because I don’t have a library degree.
  • Wear pants on Sunday afternoon. A transition-easing approach. But I’m doubtful w/r/t it actually happening.

  1. The building has numerous leaks. There is simply no way these leaks + old paper don’t = mold.
  2. Such as the Sunday-night-alien-brain-probe theory.
  3. Probably.
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