Conjectures w/r/t why I found a pubic hair on my desk when I came into work this morning, with mention of the paranoia this obviously caused and the inability to put it out my mind, like when you offer someone 500 bucks if they can go 30 seconds without thinking about a purple elephant which you’ll never lose because once you mention a purple elephant that’s pretty much anyone can think of

The cleaning crew theory

Early retirements have led to pretty much an entirely new cleaning crew here at the library. Someone on this crew seems to have it in for me in a curiously passive-aggressive way. Normally he or she just tacitly refuses to put my wastebasket back where I keep it. I’m not talking like moving a foot-and-a-half to the left. I mean more like to a whole other corner of my office. Which of course I don’t notice until I’ve gone to throw something away and it just falls to the floor and I have to pick it up and relocate it to the trashcan and then relocate the trashcan to its designated space.

Maybe, in a fit of damn-the-man pique,1 he or she reached into his or her pants, plucked a short-and-curly and placed it on my desk. Which of course brings up the question of where else he or she may have placed others. Which also I wish I could have spent less time wondering about today.

Another cleaning crew theory

I’m sure there are some people out there with what could best be described as a cubicle fetish. Perhaps one to four of these people are all part of our night-time cleaning crew and in the midst of dusting my desk found him-, her-, or themselves overcome with libido and just went at it, in part on my desk. This seems unlikely as I scoured its surface this morning, after noticing the offending hair, for other humoral leavings. Finding none, I declare this cubicle-fetish-orgy theory maybe 35% plausible.

The chaos theory

Several years ago Ron Jeremy was on campus.2 I sort envision Mr. Jeremy as living in a Playpen-esque3 cloud, a swirling miasma of…well…the kind of stuff that would surround a guy who’s had the mind-numbing and –revolving amount of sex this dude has had. And plus also being that most of it happened in the 70s and 80s, the prenominate cloud would be exceptionally hirsute in this case.

So just maybe a stray pubic hair has been floating in the wind around campus for the last four or five years and somehow, just last night, lilted upon my desk top. It makes no less sense than Jeff Goldblum’s chaos-theory explanation in Jurassic Park, a film marginally more watchable than most of Mr. Jeremy’s flicks.4

The speaking of Jeff Goldblum theory

It’s possible that someone was attempting teleportation. Why someone would teleport to my office is beyond me5 but if all they managed actually successfully to send was a single pubic hair, the experiment obviously went the kinds of wrong that I don’t even want to think about.

The question here is whether only the pube ‘ported or if I should be canvassing the library for something like Brundlefly. And, if so, do I want to find it? Because we all know it’s only going to plead with me to kill it. I’m not sure I have the mettle for that.

The Marty McFly theory

Maybe some kid or grandkid of mine came back in time and somehow screwed something up and somehow got in the way of his parents getting together and by the time he or she made it to my office, he or she’d evaporated to the degree that all that was left to see was the pube. In other words, maybe that wasn’t a pube I casually and rubberglovédly disposed of this morning. Maybe it was my own offspring!

Oh well.

Junior? Is that you?

The unifying substance of the universe theory

Forget quarks and quanta. Maybe when you peel back the layers of the universe it’s all pubes. You can’t tell me I’m wrong, so I declare this theory 50% plausible.5

The facial hair theory

Without the context of face and pubic region, my facial hair is virtually indistinguishable from my pubes. It could simply be a beard hair at a masquerade. But I’m putting my money on the Jeff Goldblum theory.

  1. Though let’s point out that w/r/t the cleaning crew, I’m not the man. And I’ve been rather nice about his or her wastebasket agenda, never once even bringing it up to anyone.
  2. Which I unfortunately didn’t know about until after the fact.
  3. Including The Boondock Saints.
  4. From the Peanuts comic strip.
  5. Unless a future me invented a device that acts as a teleporter and a time machine. Time and space, after all, are entwined, so I can see where a future me would shoot for the stars and make one device for both purposes, much how like Steve Jobs’s iThrone functions as a toilet and a bathtub.
  6. With respect of course to the theory that the unifying substance of the universe is mayonnaise. It is, after all, at its base, water molecules suspended between oil molecules. And it’s delicious.

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