the super bowl: a survivor’s guide

1. Prepare waaaaaay too much food.

The dish-to-person ratio should be at least three-to-one. Have pizza ready as well, in case amidst all the snacking you or someone gets hungry for an actual meal. A food coma is not a bad goal here.

2. Location location location!

I don’t care where you watch the game, but keep the food in the other room. You’re going to eat too much as it is; at least get that little bit of exercise by walking to the kitchen.

3. No kids.

Kids are awesome, don’t get me wrong. But they’re a distraction. I’m not saying I want to only watch the game or anything like that, but kids require that you pretty much don’t get to see the game at all. Hire a babysitter. Put out the Halloween decorations to scare off any other potential under-ten-year-old visitors. Tell others that you sometimes swear a lot during the Super Bowl and also that you often mistake children for nachos when you’re in the middle of a feeding frenzy.

4. Invite people over.

Even if it’s just one person, having company makes all the difference between watching the Super Bowl and having a Super Bowl party. Plus you get to tell yourself later that you didn’t, in fact, eat all the snacks.

5. Commercials

Yes yes yes. Commercials are part of the Super-Bowl-watching experience. But so is getting more food. So is going to the bathroom. Don’t let your love of the Old Spice Guy cause an embarrassing situation.

6. The Puppy Bowl

This will seem like heresy to some, but switch over to Animal Planet occasionally and watch the Puppy Bowl. All the cuteness makes the violence of football all the more real – like emotional 3-D or something. If When the half-time performers suck1 too much, switch to the Kitten-half-time show.

7. Beer

I have a tradition going back for a while now that during the Super Bowl I try a new beer. This year’s selection was Samuel Adams’ Black Lager.2 But keep back-up, tried-and-true beer handy. The only thing that sucks worse than the half-time show is watching the half-time show totally sober.

8. Hydration

Beer and overeating will cause dehydration. Drink lots of water in the days leading up to the game to combat this hazard, but not during the day of the game unless you have a flat-screen mounted on the wall of your bathroom.

9. Half-time

Not one performer has been so awesome that I didn’t feel okay taking a bathroom break. In fact, many recent performers very much so make me want to shit. But everyone in real life and online will be talking about how much it sucked. It’s worth catching some of it just so you can knowledgeably be part of these conversations and so you know never to buy Black-Eyed Peas tickets. And so you know the value of post-production in the recording process.

10. Post-game

Find a way to prop yourself up in bed. Your stomach will be too full to comfortably lie on it or on your back. You need to be at about a 45-degree angle to effectively sleep. But it won’t matter a great deal. Tomorrow you’ll be faced with either a food-hangover, a real hangover, or both. And worse, you have to deal with the knowledge that Sundays will now suck until August.


  1. *Cou-BlackEyedPeas-gh*
  2. And it is delectable!
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