is that a lightsaber in your pants, or…?

Exactly none of you, Adored Readers, should be surprised when I tell you that I’m a nerd of, well, galactic proportions…a far-far-away galaxy. One of my favorite sounds in the universe is the sound of a lightsaber powering on.(1) If I had a one, I’d pretty much sit around in my robe powering it on and off just for the sound.(2) It’s a cool and incredibly surreal to hear it whilst not watching a Star Wars(3) flick.

So when Ashley suggested a while back that I find that sound somewhere on the internets and make it my text-message(4) notification, I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of it before and completed her suggestion by the time that dinner was over.

Today I walked into the public restroom at work, which was thankfully mostly vacant(5) save one dude at the first urinal. Being a guy familiar with and always respectful of restroom etiquette, I took the urinal two down from him and made the stance.(6)

I unzipped.
And then the familiar-to-all sound of a lightsaber resounded from my pocket.

It was literally like that: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzip!……..fffwissssssshhhhhh! That quick.

Unbelievable. And hilarious. It was like my penis made the lightsaber-noise any time I unleashed it. It was so awesome.

But then I registered that the other dude was sort-of looking my way. I could have pulled out my phone as explanation, but I have a strict no-phone-at-the-urinal policy.(7) I also could have simply explained it away, but, again, I have a super-strict no-talking-at-the-urinal policy.(8)(9)

So somehow the best response I came up with, a weird compromise between acknowledging the issue and not talking at all, was to look at him and raise my eyebrows with a smile and a slow head-nod.

Because making an awkward situation even more awkward is something I excel at.

Now I feel like I have to hide me face at the library. After all, he was just a patron whereas I’m here 40 hours each week. And to him I’m always going to be the lightsaber-penis guy. He’ll point me out to his buddies and they’ll smile knowingly and make fun of me around corners. All because I like Star Wars and I’m extremely awkward in public restrooms.


  1. Yes, I’m aware that this sound isn’t quote-unquote real but whatever.
  2. I’d also use it for every single everyday thing I could think of: trimming the hedges, warming up my coffee or soup, slicing bread and bagels, dicing onions…
  3. Star Wars is a registered trademark and copyright of Lucasfilm, Ltd., a privately owned company founded in 1971 with headquarters in Presidio of San Francisco, California.
  4. Or SMS, if you’re so inclined.
  5. Long-time readers of dead blogs will remember that I loathe public restrooms and the people in them with a force unparalleled. Pun intended.
  6. Feet shoulder-width apart, eyes strictly and unforgivingly forward.
  7. Note that this does not include the commode.
  8. The conversations I want to have with my dude hanging out are few and generally not to happen in the workplace.
  9. Which one time both Ashley’s dad and brother forced me to break when, at DisneyWorld, we all his the restroom at the same time and they insisted upon carrying out a conversation re: whatever ride we’d just rode.

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