Exactly none of you, Adored Readers, should be surprised when I tell you that I’m a nerd of, well, galactic proportions…a far-far-away galaxy. One of my favorite sounds in the universe is the sound of a lightsaber powering on.(1) If I had a one, I’d pretty much sit around in my robe powering it on and off just for the sound.(2) It’s a cool and incredibly surreal to hear it whilst not watching a Star Wars(3) flick.
So when Ashley suggested a while back that I find that sound somewhere on the internets and make it my text-message(4) notification, I was amazed that I hadn’t thought of it before and completed her suggestion by the time that dinner was over.
Today I walked into the public restroom at work, which was thankfully mostly vacant(5) save one dude at the first urinal. Being a guy familiar with and always respectful of restroom etiquette, I took the urinal two down from him and made the stance.(6)
And then the familiar-to-all sound of a lightsaber resounded from my pocket.
It was literally like that: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzip!……..fffwissssssshhhhhh! That quick.
Unbelievable. And hilarious. It was like my penis made the lightsaber-noise any time I unleashed it. It was so awesome.
But then I registered that the other dude was sort-of looking my way. I could have pulled out my phone as explanation, but I have a strict no-phone-at-the-urinal policy.(7) I also could have simply explained it away, but, again, I have a super-strict no-talking-at-the-urinal policy.(8)(9)
So somehow the best response I came up with, a weird compromise between acknowledging the issue and not talking at all, was to look at him and raise my eyebrows with a smile and a slow head-nod.
Because making an awkward situation even more awkward is something I excel at.
Now I feel like I have to hide me face at the library. After all, he was just a patron whereas I’m here 40 hours each week. And to him I’m always going to be the lightsaber-penis guy. He’ll point me out to his buddies and they’ll smile knowingly and make fun of me around corners. All because I like Star Wars and I’m extremely awkward in public restrooms.
- Yes, I’m aware that this sound isn’t quote-unquote real but whatever.
- I’d also use it for every single everyday thing I could think of: trimming the hedges, warming up my coffee or soup, slicing bread and bagels, dicing onions…
- Star Wars is a registered trademark and copyright of Lucasfilm, Ltd., a privately owned company founded in 1971 with headquarters in Presidio of San Francisco, California.
- Or SMS, if you’re so inclined.
- Long-time readers of dead blogs will remember that I loathe public restrooms and the people in them with a force unparalleled. Pun intended.
- Feet shoulder-width apart, eyes strictly and unforgivingly forward.
- Note that this does not include the commode.
- The conversations I want to have with my dude hanging out are few and generally not to happen in the workplace.
- Which one time both Ashley’s dad and brother forced me to break when, at DisneyWorld, we all his the restroom at the same time and they insisted upon carrying out a conversation re: whatever ride we’d just rode.