This is our cat, Randal.
He’s named after Randal Graves, from Clerks, and exhibits exactly zero of his namesake’s characteristics. But he’s a sweet if surly cat and I love him very much. I found him living on the streets of Cleveland, a heroin needle tied off above his right forepaw and lying in a bed of used kitty condoms commanding a brood of what I can only call crack-tabbies to compromise their inhibitions on webcam.(1)
In the three years since, he’s been my bud, my pal, my homie, my wingman(2), and my confidant. There was a little while back there when he was pretty much all I had. No matter how fussy he gets, no matter how many times he glares at Ashley with nothing but marrow-deep loathing, no matter how many times he falls off the wagon, I’ll love him like my first child.(3)
This is our other cat, Switters.
Switters is named after a character in a Tom Robbins book and exhibits pretty much all of the namesake’s characteristics. But he’s a sweet kitty when he wants to be and makes Ashley and I laugh more than Accidentally on Purpose(4). He wandered into the library about six months ago and once I picked him up, I knew he was mine.(5) He’s pretty much exactly the kind of cat that Randal is not.
Whereas Randal lies in one spot for most of the day, Switters is a blur most of the time.
Whereas Randal uses the scratch pad only occasionally, Switters sleeps on it, eats on it, hangs out on it, does his laundry on it, mixes drinks on it…
Whereas Randal never likes to sit on your lap, Switters will literally climb up your pants in order to get some quality lap-time.
Whereas Randal is submissive, Switters is domineering.
Whereas Randal shows no interest in any type of sexual activity, Switters is very much interested in sexual activity…with Randal.(6)
When the lights go out, Switters gets his boner on. It’s awful. They’ll play around all evening, or else just ignore each other. But once Ashley and I go to bed, so begins the humiliating growls of a cat fighting off a would-be rapist.(7) Sometimes Switters trying to mount him for maybe an hour or so. Other times, like last night, well…he’s ready to go all night with Randal’s sweet, hopefully virgin ass.
I’ve read that this is simply Switters establishing his dominance, but here’s the thing: Randal doesn’t challenge Switters’s dominance at all. When Switters bites the back of Randal’s neck and gets a leg up, Randal just growls and runs for higher ground. He never smacks him. He never kicks him in the balls. The only person who defends Randal is me.(8)
More likely than not, this is all going to lead to Switters losing his testicles, and probably Randal too – because if we have one of them done we may as well have them both done. It’s better for them in the long run, and yeah, if they get out they won’t knock up the neighborhood kitties. It’s something I should have already done, I know, but it’s hard for me to sort-of play god like that.
All the same: I need my sleep, Ashley needs her sleep, Randal need his little anal hymen intact, and Switters needs a harsh lesson in ‘no means no.’
- Or maybe he was on the front porch as I took out the trash one cold night. I don’t remember which.
- His ability to help me pick-up ladies is legen…waitforit…dary.
- Who is living happily, so I hear, in a suburb of Paris with the fine French family I sold him to fifteen years ago. They tell me the bruises I see in the pictures they send are from his love of football (presumably European style).
- Which is a pretty bad show sandwiched between two halfway decent shows that we watch on Monday nights cuz we’re too lazy to do much else.
- Another version of this goes thusly: He materialized in the library after Satan gave him a week’s furlough and once I picked him he knew my soul was his.
- Note that Randal will leave the room if Ashley and I begin displaying even modest amounts of amorous affection, whereas Switters will pull up a fucking chair and watch. He’s really quite creepy sometimes.
- Of the anal variety, obvs.
- And if Switters is doing his thing and I get out of bed, he fucking hides. Who’s the dominant male now, bitch?!?(1)
- Yes, I’m aware that I’m smack-talking a cat.