papa’s got a brand new gag

I’m a guy who likes to have several gags to fall back on.

Some of these are sort-of conditional if-then statements with Boolean operators, i.e.:

  • IF someone is wearing camouflage,
  • AND he’s wearing full camouflage (not uncommon on a campus with an ROTC program)
  • THEN I make a joke about how I can barely see that guy,
  • OR how all I can see is a floating head.


  • IF someone is wearing camouflage,
  • BUT he’s only wearing the pants,
  • THEN I make a joke about a floating torso.


  • IF someone is wearing camouflage,
  • BUT is standing in front of, say, a brick building,
  • THEN I’ll make a joke about how pointless and/or terrible the camouflage is.

Get the idea?

Others are just things I like to bring back. A lot.

I joke around with Ashley a quite a bit that she’s part-Jewish because she inexplicably darkens certain vowels so she sounds like she’s from the Bronx.(1) I also joke that she’s part Asian because sometimes her profile has a certain smoothness and roundness typically found in people of Asian descent.(2) Additionally I sometimes joke around about her being Canadian, even though she’s not and even though I no longer remember how this one started.

Another favorite gag:

She likes to buy these frozen mini-corn-dogs, but on the package they’re called ‘Mini Corn Dawgs’ which for some reason makes me hear it in a Larry-the-Cable-Guy-type voice. So I’ll often open the freezer and holler, in a Larry-the-Cable-Guy-type voice, ‘We got sum mini corn dawgs here!’ Sometimes she laughs; sometimes she punches me in the moob.(3)

I’m a man of rote, practiced and timed to perfection.(4)

Which is why, the moment Ashley told me about one of her dreams thing morning, I knew I was going to have a brand new gag.

Coming out of the bathroom, she said, ‘Oh my god. I just remembered my dream.’
‘What was it?’
‘I dreamt that when I went to the bathroom my…stuff…spelled out stuff.’
‘Like, your pee?’
‘Your poop?’
‘And what did your poop tell you?’
‘It spelled out that I should tell Chris. And somehow in the dream I knew you were Chris.’
‘So what did your poop want you to tell me?’

She didn’t know, but as we drove to school I kept mock-yelling at her: ‘What does your poop want me to know?!?!? Tell me what your poop wants you to tell me!!’

And there you have it: a recurring gag mixed with bathroom humor. Which makes it just about the funniest thing ever.

For me anyway.

  1. Or, more accurately, a movie-version Bronx. I have never been there nor heard anyone from there talk, so basically I’m using a stereotype of a stereotype.
  2. She’s the only person I’ve ever met who looks completely different in profile than straight-on. In fact, of the roughly 270 degrees of possible face-viewing angles, I’ll venture that she looks like a totally different person in all but about 40.
  3. Man-boob.
  4. Well, my perception of perfection anyway.

One comment on “papa’s got a brand new gag

  1. Love the poop stuff!! I laughed out loud especially the thought of you yelling in the car “What does your poop want me to know. . . . ?” hahahahahah! So Funny! Thanks for sharing and the good laugh at poor Ashley’s expense 🙂

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