the coitus-defecation polarization

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” – Orson Wells.

For years now, I’ve been at varying places further and further north of the 300 pound mark.(1) Most people assume this is an unpleasant place to be. Not true! says I. There are benefits you skinny folks wouldn’t imagine.

  • If I gain 5 pounds, it’s just a drop in the bucket and no one will notice. If you gain 5 pounds, your ass won’t fit into those jeans and everyone will notice that.
  • When I hit the snack tray at staff meetings for the second or third time, it’s the norm and no one notices. If you did it, it’d be the exception and we’d all talk about you.
  • If someone hooks up with me, I know it’s not just for bragging rights.

You get the idea.

Nevertheless, I’ve decided to try to shed a few of these tons of fun I’ve been carrying around.

The first thing was to find a nice little app that I could use to keep track of my daily consumption(2) and exercise.(3) A quick search through BlackBerry’s App World(4) landed me on Their app is free, but using the site (and therefore the app) requires a paid subscription. Deciding to really hunker down about all the binge eating I’ve been doing since the third grade, I signed up for the site.

I decided that, since MyNetDiary will track all sort of nutrient information, and since the site supports all manner of diets, I would first try to change the way I eat. The site employs a licensed dietitian, so I feel that the advice and recommendations it gives are reliable. I learned very quickly that, of the three main nutrients – fats, carbs, and protein – I was seriously neglecting proteins. This didn’t come as a surprise since I’m a vegetarian(5), but it was alarming because, aside from other things, our bodies use protein to build brain tissue. I can handle being fat, but I don’t want to be fat and stupid!

So I balanced out my proteins, being careful to get them from varying sources so my body could use them properly.

Next was dietary fiber. Did you know that having 5 grams of fiber as part of your breakfast will help stave off hunger and help you control your weight? So I started including an apple in my breakfast.(6) Now that it’s cold, I’ve switched to having oatmeal and that takes care of it.

But then I learned that males under the age of 50 should include 38 grams of fiber in their daily diet.


So I set about achieving it. And a few well-chosen veggies and grains later, I did.

And oh holy-healthy-shitting Batman! When I poop, it’s like a blessing from Buddha. I can feel the One Great Turd is passing through me every single time I go.

A friend of mine likes to ask if you’d rather relive the worst sex you’ve ever had, or the best shit. Lindy Loo – I take poo.

I’m only go twice more per day than previously, but it’s those two additions that I find awe-inspiring.

The first is around 8:30 AM. I’ve come to work, I’ve gotten things arranged, computer on, email going, the day planned out. I take a little stroll around the stacks to check up on yesterday’s work and also to get the muscles warmed up. Then I head for the one single-stall public bathroom on the first floor and bask in the wonder that is a nice, easy, well-earned and pleasant shit.(7)

The second is around 2:00PM. This is my afternoon poo that has become a golden moment in my day. For this one I head to the eighth floor(8) and just let it go. It’s not a huge diarrhea-type shit, but it’s definitely a clean-out. Every single day. And it feels so good I’m almost embarrassed about it.

And I’m the kind of guy who’ll unabashedly blog about poop.(9)

I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to take losing weight seriously, and I’ll update you as I go along. But if you’re looking for a reason to balance out your diet, here it is: you will shit like you always wished shitting could be. Instead of it being just something you do, it’ll be something you do well.

And we all like to have at least one thing we do really, really well.

  1. 136.07 kgs for those of you more acclimated to the metric system.
  2. of your mom.
  3. Or, more accurately, of my plans to exercises.
  4. Both BlackBerry and App World are registered trademarks of Research In Motion, a publicly traded company founded in 1984 in Waterloo, Ontario, where it still has its headquarters.
  5. If my plan works, I will lose one of my favorite self-deprecating jokes: that I’m the world’s largest vegetarian. Am I will to make that sacrifice?
  6. Most apples contain 2 to 4 grams of fiber, depending on type and size.
  7. Usually while reading/posting on Twitter.
  8. The single-stall on the first floor is rarely available at that time.
  9. Obviously.

One comment on “the coitus-defecation polarization

  1. I have always been able to poo well. My mother is obsessed with proper poos.

    I don’t get enough protein either. My husband often complains about that.

    I’m a compulsive eater. It’s how I deal with stress (instead of drinking my self into a stupor.) I’ve begun allowing myself an apple whenever I want and however many I want. This seems to be working. I lost 4 pounds last week without making any other changes.

    Giant Crickets Invade Norway

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