We live in a culture that’s all about bigger, better, more more more. Flat screen TV? Okay, but you should get the SUPER GIGUNDOUS HUGE TV! Why get the 8-gig iPod(1) when you can get the 32-gig? A perfectly acceptable 300-thread-count sheet set? Made of cotton? Fuck that. Try these 1 x 10(10100)(2)-thread-count Egyptian-organic cotton sheets that also make you an omelet of your choice each and every morning!(3)
In an effort to combat this trend(4) towards elephantine consumption, here is a timely list of things, in no particular order, for which I am especially thankful and, as much as possible, exist in two dimensions.(5)
- Each separate page of my copies of both David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest and Tom Robbins’s Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates.
- Photographs, particularly old, black-and-white photographs, and photographs by Lindy Loo.
- Film negatives. I still love holding them up to the light and seeing a completely different world.
- Ashley’s skin. Because she has cystic fibrosis, it tastes salty and therefore like no other skin I’ve ever tasted.
- Sliced non-dairy cheese.
- Sliced non-meat lunch-meat.
- Toilet paper.
- But most of all, paper towels.
- The strings on my guitars and banjo.(7)
- Guitar picks.
- Wrapping paper, particularly when being unwrapped because I enjoy the sound.
- Christmas cards, especially the one I get from overseas.
- Lindy Loo’s super-majorly-awesome birthday mixes.
- Playing cards, especially a brand new pack that’s still all slick and slippery.
Keeping with the non-three-dimensional theme, tomorrow I’ll talk about the abstract things in my life, the intangibles, that I am grateful for every single day.
In the meantime, please share your list of life-affirming two-dimensional things.
- iPod is a registered trademark of Apple, Inc., a publicly traded company founded by Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald Wayne in Cupertino, California.
- Aka a googolplex.
- Selections limited to Denny’s(1) Super-Mega-Ultra-Uber-Grand-Slam menu, not available at all locations.
- Denny’s is a registered trademark of Denny’s Corporation, a publicly traded company founded in 1953 by Harold Butler(1) as Danny’s Donuts in Lakewood, California, now with its headquarters in Spartanburg, South Carolina.
- No relation.
- It’s not a trend so much as a rut.
- I’m discounting the notion of time as the fourth dimension, since time doesn’t exist as a proper, separate entity, but as a special property of the dimension known as distance and the heretofore unrecognized dimension of gravity.
- Cheez-It is a registered trademark of Kellogg Company, a publicly traded company founded as Battle Creek Toasted Corn Flake Company in 1906 by William Kellogg. Its headquarters are still in Battle Creek, Michigan.
- But I can’t include the strings for my bass as they are too thick to qualify as plausibly two-dimensional.