relations

“Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.” – Rose Franken

Last night my family had their Thanksgiving. I wasn’t part of it, just as I haven’t been for the last three years. They only live an hour away, but still I elected not to be a part of it, for reasons somewhat mentioned.(1) I’m sure they had a ton of food, and I’m sure there were laughter, merriment, mirth and good cheer, but had I been there, all of that would have been colored by the many unsavory memories of holidays past. Is my inability to let go? Probably, but it comes to the same thing: I just don’t enjoy the company of my parents and see no reason why the idea of ‘family’ equates to maintaining a lifelong bad relationship.

Here’s what I did instead:

  • The dishes.
  • Won a battle – and maybe the war – in War of the Fleas II.(2)(3)
  • Made some cheesy rice(4) and peas.
  • Read a Vonnegut novel while Ashley watched Golden Girls.(5)
  • Played with the cats.
  • Watched CBS’s Monday-night line-up, including HIMYM’s(6) Slapsgiving II!(7)
  • All while sitting on the sofa with Ashley.
  • During which time we would occasionally dry-hump each other.
  • And make each other laugh.
  • And also make out.
  • And she trimmed my man-bush.(8)
  • Followed by more making out.
  • And making fun of commercials.
  • Played a video game while she did her breathing treatment.
  • Then went to bed.
  • Shagged for an hour.
  • Talked for a while.
  • Fell asleep.

My night: 1.
Family Thanksgiving: 0.

Suck it family Thanksgiving!


  1. I also elected not to tell them I wouldn’t be part of it, instead letting them figure it out when I didn’t show up. (1)
    1. I also also elected, obviously, to be an adult and totally non-petty w/r/t this situation.
  2. Vacuum cleaner…FTW!
  3. The previous war was called The Great Flea War, but now that a second, more-intense-and-therefore-greater war is being waged, it’s been rechristened to War of the Fleas I.
  4. As in rice with cheese, not rice that once stared in Full House. That’s a different kind of cheese.
  5. Talk about cheese…
  6. How I Met Your Mother.
  7. The previous Slapsgiving was called The Great Slapsgiving, but now that a second, more-intense-and-therefore-greater Slapsgiving was waged, it’s been rechristened to Slapsgiving I.
  8. A first for her, resulting in only one slightly bald patch. But, hey, she’s the only person who’ll see the result of her handiwork, so who cares!
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